Where the wind blows... memories abound

It has been a long, long journey...I’ve lost count of the days - I guess they no longer matter once we give up the meaning of years...

How long has it been now - ten years...twenty... or was it more since I started my search, my ‘quest’...

How naïve it all sounds now - such an important decision - here I am, in the fullness of my glory [which now I really see as my little ego] thinking that I should go in search for this ‘Higher Truth’, this great meaning of Life, to fill this void that I have finally realized was NEVER going to be appeased by materialism...

Was it really just an ego-trip, this search for meaning... or was it the final push I needed to give up the wine-women-and song that had so well flourished in my Life... What was it that I was really looking for ...?

I know that I wasn’t just ‘running away’ [as so many of my ‘good friends’ were so fond of declaring as they jugged down one more bottle of French wine, espousing the great virtues of those skilled vintners while smacking their lips with put-upon airs...

Ah, the great wonder that is the nouveau-riche, with their learned sophisticated airs and thousand dollar shoes - how great it is to see evolution at work, truly a study of

Nature vs. Nurture ... I could have done my thesis on that...

[instead I chose to test the validity of my observations by pouring a cheap rustic $ 3.99 bottle of wine into a crystal decanter, and declaring it to be a precious Nouveau Beaujolais... with predictable results.

You can see that I was fast approaching my limit, even then...]

And so my ‘journey’ began... slowly at first...

I looked for teachers, posing to all the same great Metaphysical question - “What is the meaning of life...”

[the best answer I ever got was “None...except what you give it” - now that put the burden squarely upon my shoulders !]

And so I traveled, from town to town seeking that elusive ‘master’, and too often having to settle for the too common ‘teacher’ ...until I got tired of this superficial quest...

Did that deter me ? Not at all, for I realized that if this land of mine did not - could not - supply me with the answers I needed...well then, dammit, I was going to seek it where ever the journey will take me...

In my days travel overseas was both a lot easier...and much more basic.

First by great ships, then by train, I crossed many lands, always seeking that exotic Truth... from temple to Holy Men and Women, I looked for meaning, for a greater realization... and slowly, bit by bit, I gained some small knowledge...

But it was never enough...

My pursuit continued, pushing me further and further afield... further and further away from ‘civilization’, from the common comforts we so easily we take for granted - that quick warm cup of tea in the morning, or the warm blanket at night... But my quest now possessed me, I was a man driven by his mission...no matter my environment, I will not, shall not, cannot simply give up...

And with each step taken, each hardship encountered and embraced, memories would flood my vision... the golden glow of warm flesh as we languorously wake up to a brisk British morning... the smell of freshly oiled leather as we mount for the weekly hunt... the proper welcome as we step into our Gentlemen’s Club for a spot of dinner...

And with each memory, the choices begin anew...stay and pursue this crazy quest of mine... or just give up and go back to the motherland, the place I was once born in...

For some such questions would be easy to answer...but not for me...

I have seen too much, experienced too many changes, encountered too many different ‘truths’... to simply go back... Go back to where, to what... ?

And that is when I finally realized - there is NO ‘going back’...

Whoever I had become was no longer the young Lord that had left those many long years ago - the only way was to go forward, to emerge out of this ever restricting tunnel, to seek the barely glimpsed Light - if it even existed anymore...

I had gone too far, there was no going back...

It was at this point, with this realization, that the memories stopped... one by one they simply became fleeting thoughts, no longer pressing upon me, no longer forcing me to choose..or to consider my foolishness...

And from that point on my steps became lighter, my suffering mood dissipated, my possession dissolved... no longer was I driven by some unanswerable quest... for the first time I was just... me.

That’s when I knew - Life is for living joyfully - not by following some artificial social construct, not by isolating ourselves through our wealth and haute-couture, or to think that any of it would make us ‘special’...

How does any of my privileged upbringing compare to the open smile of the young flower-seller in front of the temple... and why would I compare myself to anyone else...

I can only be me... whatever that is...

And so I finally realized the great ‘meaning’... I realized what this wondrous journey had been all about ...

It was not the quest... it was never the ‘goal’... none of the answers were the Truth...

It was always...just... me...

And this brings me to now, to this bare trail, leading up to a small village, high up in the mountains of Nepal.

No, I am not seeking sanctuary with some enlightened Monk, nor am I going to read some precious sacred text, ... for the first time I am just going to rest, to be quiet, to take the time and get to know Me... the real me, and not the one created as a product of my class...

Finally my quest is done... and now the work - the real work - can begin.

I have never been happier in my Life..